I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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