on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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