A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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