I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
