If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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