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Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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