Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize