I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
