I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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