Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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