I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize