New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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