considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
