Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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