mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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