I'm lost and stupid without you.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
