i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
