im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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