just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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