my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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