yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Randomize
