I CAN MOONWALK!
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
