Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Randomize
