any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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