2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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