is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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