I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
