Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
