When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I can't turn off my feet"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize