a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize