So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize