nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
BRING THE BAGELS
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
