Your dad touched me again.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
