This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
