You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
