I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize