You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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