he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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