we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
