New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You may now shotgun with the bride
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
