I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
