come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
