I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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