What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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