So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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