You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
