oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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