Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
