i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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