My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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