Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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