If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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