You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
