I want to walk on stilts...naked
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize