she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
