my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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