i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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